Providence

Providence. I’d be pressed to find a word more beautiful. In a way, it is the color that brings all things to life. Until we have a chance to experience its absence, we seldom notice its necessity.

 

At 25 years old, raising funds to move to Thailand and teach was the biggest challenge I had ever faced. Even more than the humility and rejection we’d often felt when asking for donations, I really struggled with doubting God. Doubting that He would provide. Doubting that He cared enough to give me what I needed. A constant thought that kept me going was it will soon be over. This will only last until we’ve raised enough to leave for Chiang Mai. However, the lesson in security and humility had just begun.

 

Since reaching Thailand, we’ve often found ourselves in challenging financial situations. During these periods of uncertainty, I can attest to the fact that I know the Lord hears me. I just don't always believe He will choose to provide. My mind works like this: I can barely be considered a Christian worker. I constantly find myself doubting the Father’s promises. After years of following Christ, I still wrestle with my sin, pride and disbelief, among other things. How do I deserve His attention and aid? Instead of waiting for Him to meet our needs, I found myself scrambling for excuses. I felt He'd not held up His end of the deal and that it was my fault. Surely I messed up somewhere along the way and made Him change His mind. But God has never and will never need us to cover for Him. He is never too preoccupied to notice. Nothing ever slips His mind. 

 

What do you do when you don't have enough money to buy food for dinner? What do you do when you don't have enough gas in the motorbike to get to school the next morning? New challenges, unprecedented and unimagined, arose while in Thailand. Each time, my cry came from a deeper and deeper pit of despondency. And yet my soul was crushed by the thoughts of people following Christ all around the world who still go hungry and sleep on the streets. Why would God want to provide for me when I go home to a warm house each night? How could I be so selfish? I am unworthy.

 

Nearly a month ago, we faced a greater financial need. The window of time was small and barely afforded us the opportunity to communicate with friends and loved ones back home. My immediate reaction was hopelessness.

 

In my time of need, as far as I can tell, God’s desire was that I reach a state of brokenness. Then I would honestly ask for help and trust while waiting. All I had to do was ask ...trust ...wait. And I couldn't even bring myself to do that. But I did manage the asking part. This time, while I was asking for intervention, I also asked for the faith I needed to trust His timing and His ways. Even though it only seemed to last for a short while, I looked at our situation and the future without fear. I had hope and peace that He would finish what He’d started in us.

 

If you’ve known the Lord for long, you can guess what happened next. The money arrived. That and more - provision for our physical needs and the faith I needed to let go of my surroundings and trust.

 

During our high school chapel at school this week, instead of having a typical message shared by an adult in the community, students walked up to the microphone one-by-one and shared verses and poems exalting God. I love that word, exalting. You can give praise to your boss and you can worship the Red Sox, but you only exalt God. In chapel, I had a moment of clarity. In the last three years, while support raising, arriving in Thailand, and fulfilling our commitment to love and serve our students and their families, we had never truly been without. I don’t know what happened those nights we didn’t have the money for food, or those mornings we didn’t have the money for gas, but somehow we’d never missed a meal and never been without transportation.

 

In the Old Testament, Israel left a pile of stones along the Jordan as a reminder of God’s faithfulness. In this way, they’d created a memento for future moments of weakness. A remembrance that what He said He will do, He will actually do. I have learned this lesson many, many times. But I am always forgetting. So, today this post is my pile of stones. A reminder that He has proved Himself faithful again.  

 

Who am I that He is reminded of me? Much less, cares for me and my every need? Who am I to be created by so great a God and my every cry heard and often answered? This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me. It is too lofty for me. I am unable to reach it.