Providence. I’d be
pressed to find a word more beautiful. In a way, it is the color that brings
all things to life. Until we have a chance to experience its absence, we seldom
notice its necessity.
At 25 years old, raising funds to move
to Thailand and teach was the biggest challenge I had ever faced. Even more
than the humility and rejection we’d often felt when asking for donations, I
really struggled with doubting God. Doubting that He would provide. Doubting
that He cared enough to give me what I needed. A constant thought that
kept me going was it will soon be over. This will only last until we’ve
raised enough to leave for Chiang Mai. However, the lesson in security and
humility had just begun.
Since reaching Thailand, we’ve often found
ourselves in challenging financial situations. During these periods of
uncertainty, I can attest to the fact that I know the
Lord hears me. I just don't always believe He will choose to provide. My mind
works like this: I can barely be considered a Christian worker. I constantly
find myself doubting the Father’s promises. After years of following Christ, I
still wrestle with my sin, pride and disbelief, among other things. How do I
deserve His attention and aid? Instead of waiting for Him to meet our
needs, I found myself scrambling for excuses. I felt He'd not held up His end
of the deal and that it was my fault. Surely I messed up somewhere along the
way and made Him change His mind. But God has never and will never need us to
cover for Him. He is never too preoccupied to notice. Nothing ever slips His
mind.
What do you do when you don't have
enough money to buy food for dinner? What do you do when you don't have enough
gas in the motorbike to get to school the next morning? New challenges,
unprecedented and unimagined, arose while in Thailand. Each time, my cry came
from a deeper and deeper pit of despondency. And yet my soul was crushed by the
thoughts of people following Christ all around the world who still go hungry
and sleep on the streets. Why would God want to provide for me when I go home
to a warm house each night? How could I be so selfish? I am unworthy.
Nearly a month ago, we faced a greater
financial need. The window of time was small and barely afforded us the opportunity
to communicate with friends and loved ones back home. My immediate reaction was
hopelessness.
In my time of need, as far as I can
tell, God’s desire was that I reach a state of brokenness. Then I would
honestly ask for help and trust while waiting. All I had to do was ask ...trust
...wait. And I couldn't even bring myself to do that. But I did manage the
asking part. This time, while I was asking for intervention, I also asked for
the faith I needed to trust His timing and His ways. Even though it only seemed
to last for a short while, I looked at our situation and the future without
fear. I had hope and peace that He would finish what He’d started in us.
If you’ve known the Lord for long, you
can guess what happened next. The money arrived. That and more - provision for
our physical needs and the faith I needed to let go of my surroundings and trust.
During our high school chapel at
school this week, instead of having a typical message shared by an adult in the
community, students walked up to the microphone one-by-one and shared verses
and poems exalting God. I love that word, exalting. You can give praise
to your boss and you can worship the Red Sox, but you only exalt God. In
chapel, I had a moment of clarity. In the last three years, while support
raising, arriving in Thailand, and fulfilling our commitment to love and serve
our students and their families, we had never truly been without. I don’t know
what happened those nights we didn’t have the money for food, or those mornings
we didn’t have the money for gas, but somehow we’d never missed a meal and
never been without transportation.
In the Old Testament, Israel left a
pile of stones along the Jordan as a reminder of God’s faithfulness. In this
way, they’d created a memento for future moments of weakness. A remembrance
that what He said He will do, He will actually do. I have learned this
lesson many, many times. But I am always forgetting. So, today this post is my
pile of stones. A reminder that He has proved Himself faithful again.
Who am I that He is reminded of me? Much less, cares
for me and my every need? Who am I to be created by so great a God and my every
cry heard and often answered? This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me. It is
too lofty for me. I am unable to reach it.
