Providence

Providence. I’d be pressed to find a word more beautiful. In a way, it is the color that brings all things to life. Until we have a chance to experience its absence, we seldom notice its necessity.

 

At 25 years old, raising funds to move to Thailand and teach was the biggest challenge I had ever faced. Even more than the humility and rejection we’d often felt when asking for donations, I really struggled with doubting God. Doubting that He would provide. Doubting that He cared enough to give me what I needed. A constant thought that kept me going was it will soon be over. This will only last until we’ve raised enough to leave for Chiang Mai. However, the lesson in security and humility had just begun.

 

Since reaching Thailand, we’ve often found ourselves in challenging financial situations. During these periods of uncertainty, I can attest to the fact that I know the Lord hears me. I just don't always believe He will choose to provide. My mind works like this: I can barely be considered a Christian worker. I constantly find myself doubting the Father’s promises. After years of following Christ, I still wrestle with my sin, pride and disbelief, among other things. How do I deserve His attention and aid? Instead of waiting for Him to meet our needs, I found myself scrambling for excuses. I felt He'd not held up His end of the deal and that it was my fault. Surely I messed up somewhere along the way and made Him change His mind. But God has never and will never need us to cover for Him. He is never too preoccupied to notice. Nothing ever slips His mind. 

 

What do you do when you don't have enough money to buy food for dinner? What do you do when you don't have enough gas in the motorbike to get to school the next morning? New challenges, unprecedented and unimagined, arose while in Thailand. Each time, my cry came from a deeper and deeper pit of despondency. And yet my soul was crushed by the thoughts of people following Christ all around the world who still go hungry and sleep on the streets. Why would God want to provide for me when I go home to a warm house each night? How could I be so selfish? I am unworthy.

 

Nearly a month ago, we faced a greater financial need. The window of time was small and barely afforded us the opportunity to communicate with friends and loved ones back home. My immediate reaction was hopelessness.

 

In my time of need, as far as I can tell, God’s desire was that I reach a state of brokenness. Then I would honestly ask for help and trust while waiting. All I had to do was ask ...trust ...wait. And I couldn't even bring myself to do that. But I did manage the asking part. This time, while I was asking for intervention, I also asked for the faith I needed to trust His timing and His ways. Even though it only seemed to last for a short while, I looked at our situation and the future without fear. I had hope and peace that He would finish what He’d started in us.

 

If you’ve known the Lord for long, you can guess what happened next. The money arrived. That and more - provision for our physical needs and the faith I needed to let go of my surroundings and trust.

 

During our high school chapel at school this week, instead of having a typical message shared by an adult in the community, students walked up to the microphone one-by-one and shared verses and poems exalting God. I love that word, exalting. You can give praise to your boss and you can worship the Red Sox, but you only exalt God. In chapel, I had a moment of clarity. In the last three years, while support raising, arriving in Thailand, and fulfilling our commitment to love and serve our students and their families, we had never truly been without. I don’t know what happened those nights we didn’t have the money for food, or those mornings we didn’t have the money for gas, but somehow we’d never missed a meal and never been without transportation.

 

In the Old Testament, Israel left a pile of stones along the Jordan as a reminder of God’s faithfulness. In this way, they’d created a memento for future moments of weakness. A remembrance that what He said He will do, He will actually do. I have learned this lesson many, many times. But I am always forgetting. So, today this post is my pile of stones. A reminder that He has proved Himself faithful again.  

 

Who am I that He is reminded of me? Much less, cares for me and my every need? Who am I to be created by so great a God and my every cry heard and often answered? This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me. It is too lofty for me. I am unable to reach it.

 

30 Before 30

Recently I've enjoyed teaching my psychology students the importance of deciding who they want  to be and what they want for their lives now. In doing so, we've attempted several activities aimed at helping them flesh out the things they want to achieve in the coming years. One medium I'm using is the creation of a 30 before 30 list. Being so close to my own milestone, I began to create my own list and found interesting characteristics about me I hadn't realized were there. I also learned that I desire more out of life than what I'm currently receiving. So, whether it's a 30 before 30, a 50 before 50 or a 10 things I should never be found guilty of after 42, a list like this can change your perspective on life.

To say I'm a goal-oriented person might be an understatement. In fact, my personality type, which is somewhere between an INFP and ENFP on the Meyer's-Briggs Type Indicator, can always be found somewhere on the same cycle. I'm in search of the next big challenge, biting off more than I can chew, getting overwhelmed and often giving up and then forgetting all about that experience and moving on to the next big thing. My mind is a little like that of the dog in Up, we're having a totally grown-up conversation and then, squirrel!

So, in light of the fact that I am all about big objectives and when faced with considerable adversity, very unlikely to complete them, creating this 30 before 30 list is exactly my type of activity. First, I have a manageable checklist that is well thought out and in black and white, and second, it's posted somewhere others can see. The second part only works because, knowing others are aware of my goals, my extreme pride is the thing that will keep me moving forward. Which reminds me, C.S. Lewis says pride leads to every other vice. Perhaps working on that should be added to my list?

I've had a difficult time trimming this list down, and just like the ENFP in me, I began with a solid 50 ventures I truly wanted to see completed in the next year and half, but soon realized I have neither the money or energy to do so. In response to this dilemma, I've started a bucket list, which, hopefully, gives me a considerably larger window to complete many of the bigger objectives. But that is for another day. For now, here is the list as it stands. I'm sure to alter it in the coming weeks, but at least posting it in some form will help me begin the process of achieving, one by one:

Picnic in Front of the Eiffel Tower

This has been a dream of mine for many years now. I've been to Paris, but I really want John to see it with me. I think a perfect trip would be one with a small agenda, lots of down time to explore and shopping for lunch in a little marche and then eating our finds in the famous parc d'eiffel. Is that its actual name? It should be.

Visit Seattle, Washington

Read a Book a Month for One Year

I recently discovered two things: I have a real problem with authority and reading is one of my favorite activities. Sadly, most of the boring books you're instructed to read in high school are actually amazing, but I wouldn't know this because I couldn't get past the fact that they were mandatory. So, instead of enlightening my mind and enriching my soul by reading all of the classics while I had so much extra time on my hands, I was driving to the beach with friends, skipping class and buying the cliff notes. Since college, I began reading for fun and have really enjoyed it. It helps my writing and opens the world around me. In January I committed to reading many of the books I should have in high school, especially after hearing my students talk about which ones were great, which ones were lame and some that were just really strange. If nothing else, it's nice to say, yeah, I've read that. As of today, I'm working on my tenth book in 2014! It's been exciting and exhausting, but it's something I want to be apart of my life forever. I never want to give up reading again. I'm hoping one book a month will help me form a lifelong habit.

Explore Napa Valley

Go on a Road Trip, Covering Three or More States

My parents gave my siblings and me one of the best gifts a parent could give by taking us on road trips to many of the National parks in the US. We used to call these trips out west. I remember looking forward to summertime every year just because it meant another road trip. Sure there were hours upon hours of being cramped in the car with younger siblings, punching and screaming, not to mention a bathroom break about every half hour. But the overall experience and memories made were worth it! So, now, as an adult, I want to do this with John. One thing about our relationship is that it is never short of adventure. Maybe that's why I've never seen a dull moment with John. He is an adventurer full of imagination, which is sort of the perfect fit for me since I'm constantly on to the next thing. He's always game. I've known for a long time that a road trip together would be loads of fun, but we've just never gotten around to it.

Tent Camp

That brings me to the next grown-up thing I want to do, tent camp. I think my family did this a thousand times together, but I've never had to pack up food for several days, pitched a tent and fought off bears and other critters on my own. Maybe someplace like Vogel in Georgia or Yosemite in Cali would be fun. Or maybe Olympic National Park in Washington, which contains a real rainforest, (seeing one is actually on my bucket list).

Walk Part of the Appalachian Trail

More wilderness. I love the outdoors, but this part of the list is oddly long and surprises me. Anyway, in college, I had a friend who walked a three or four day portion of the trail and had some great stories. Since then, I've known it's something I really want to do.

Watch the Sunrise and Sunset in the Same Day

Luckily, with a home state like Florida, this one is pretty manageable. My plan would be to wake up early, drive to St. Augustine or Daytona for sunrise and then spend the day slowly making my way to the west coast. I hear Destin Beach has beautiful sunsets.

Sew a Dress

Now this is a really grown-up venture. Beyond adding a button or sewing up a hole in the armpit of a sweater, I have neither experience or knowledge in this realm. But I feel like I should. I'm hoping I could make something functional that I'll actually wear. I'd love to be able to claim I made this.

Complete a Half Marathon

Now this is the one I'm most a afraid of, and most reluctant to post. I'm worried I may not achieve it. Notice I did not say, run a half marathon. Maybe just a walk/run combination will suffice. Or maybe I'll be able to train and complete a full run. Running is one thing that I've forced myself to do on and off now for several years. The problems is, I loathe it; however, I've always wanted to complete a half marathon, even convinced my sister to join me for the Disney Princess half marathon, and then had to stop training because of stone bruises. So, here I am, years later, still hoping to achieve this one. We'll see what happens.

Watch All the Oscar Winners for Best Picture

My best friend and I started on the list years ago. And, honestly, it was more her goal than mine. But, I've always wanted to finish. The other day I looked at the list and realized, out of the 85 or more winners, I had seen at least 50! So why not kick-it-in gear and finish what I started?

Ride an Overnight Train

I've dreamt of this for years, and actually did it already. But, here in Thailand, the overnight train is not the same experience as it is in the US. I would really like to have a sleeper cabin and travel someplace exciting, just enjoying the trip. Maybe to DC??...

Visit Washington, D.C.

Okay, what an awful social studies teacher (and American!!) am I that I've never visited the capital of my country? Honestly, I've driven through with my family on the way to NYC. We got out on some side street and looked at the capitol building from afar. But it was hardly recognizable from our location and we had about 4 minutes to make the detour. I would really love to take the time and visit the museums and monuments. This could be an especially fun trip considering John's been several times and could basically act as a free tour guide :)

Grow, Harvest and Can My Own Organic Something

It could be salsa, vegetable soup, really anything would do. But with farmers for grandparents and having a mother who canned two-thirds of the vegetables I ate growing up, it's sad that I've reached this age and haven't ever grown or canned something of my own. When we head back to the States this summer, I hope to begin a more organic lifestyle in many ways. But my food, hopefully, will be the first place I start.

Take John to Charleston, South Carolina

I love the South. I think it's in my blood. Shortly after moving to Thailand, I found I missed it more than I expected. So many beautiful cities and wonderful people. I've visited Charleston briefly, found it really unique and quaint, and now I'd like for it to be some sort of weekend excursion that we do together with more time for exploring.

Learn to Ride a Motorcycle

The guys in John's family have ridden and worked on bikes for years. I've wanted to try to drive (or ride?) by myself, but it's really intimidating. I don't want to own a bike or ride alone regularly. I just want to be able to. After living in Thailand for two years, I've had to learn to operate a semi-automatic motorbike on my own, which is probably halfway there, right?

Take a Hot Air Balloon Ride

Ever since that episode of Reading Rainbow, I've been in love with hot air balloons. Their beauty, the simplicity of the way they work, the danger of getting lost in space and never coming down...all of it's a childhood fantasy for me.

See the Everglades and Lake Okeechobee

So we've established that I'm a horrible American and now, it's imperative to be honest about the fact that I'm an disappointing Floridian as well. This is one of those all-day or weekend excursions I've wanted to do. The list for places-to-visit is very long, but this trip is definitely at the top.

Visit Las Vegas

Does the Airport count? If not, then this is another trip I really must take.

Visit Los Angeles

Have Professional Pictures Taken with John

I'm thinking maybe some cheesy I Still Do pics at five years. We have to do it. We had a friend take engagement pictures for free. They turned out nice, but they definitely weren't professional. Even our photography from our wedding wasn't great. I would really like to have pictures that I'm happy with for just once. I'm thinking that finding a photographer who's creative with shots and an expert with post-editing is ideal.

Visit Miami and See South Beach

Throw a Dinner Party/Housewarming Party/Grown-up Party of Any Kind

Even at 28, I still feel like a kid sometimes. From my perspective, this is definitely an achievement that every adult should have on their resume. I know exactly who I'd invite, maybe a guest list of 15 or 20 people. I just need to figure out the venue, since we don't have a place to live in the States yet, and find something to celebrate. The latter should be simple.

Get Accepted into a Masters Program

I've thought for a few years now that I would like to become a guidance counselor. I love the one-on-one time I occasionally get with students as a teacher, getting to know them and helping them sort through problems. Guidance counseling, as far as I know, is all about that - helping students achieve the goals specific to their needs and meeting them wherever they are. I really need to stop putting this off.

Pay for Someone Else's Coffee or Meal

This would probably work best in a drive-through, I imagine. I'm thinking as discrete as possible, and maybe looking out for someone who seems to be having a rough day. If somebody did that for me, it would sure turn my day around. I want to be that anonymous person, at least once. but I hope, after I'm brave enough to do it the first time, it can be something that I do on several occasions. I need to work on being more conscious of the people and needs around me.

Play the Guitar and Sing One Song

So, in my past life, I played a little. But it's been so long and I don't think I'd remember many major chords. But I'd like to be able to sing and play at least one song by the time I'm 30.

Learn to Surf

I've never even attempted this one. Honestly, I really never desired to. Florida is not exactly known for its amazing waves. But, recently I've thought it might be fun, at least to try and get up on the board. Why not? It would be an experience.

Write a Memoir of Thailand and My Return to the US

If for no one else but myself, I have got to put some of our experiences on paper. It's been the craziest, funnest, toughest, most difficult thing I've ever done, moving to Thailand. Already, we are seeing that moving back into the culture of the US is going to be no piece of cake either. I hope to start with a daily/weekly journal just before leaving and continue it well into our assimilation back into the US. Maybe that will make for an easy transition into book form.

Make a Romantic Dinner and Eat Outside by Candlelight

This one is absolutely corny. I was embarrassed to share it with my psych students, but they were very supportive. When I was little, I thought that doing something like this was a regular adult activity. Now that I know the truth, I'm a little disappointed. I think it would be fun to do something slightly goofy and romantic like this. All that's left to do is convince John to join me.

Stretch

In middle school I remember having a doctor reprimand me for not being more limber. He said it helped with your health, especially if you were in an accident and had a long recovery ahead of you. I have no idea if it's true or not, but it's worth some looking into. Despite the health benefits, it feels good to stretch your muscles before and after running. So maybe I can kill two birds with this one. Back in my dance team days, I would have to do splits and split jumps regularly for routines. Maybe a solid split should be my goal for getting limber.

Become a Better Photographer

That's actually 31. And there are more. So, as I said before, this list is bound to evolve. But for now, these are the objectives I'm focusing on first.

Happy goal-setting and achieving!

Ashley